Years ago, as a Learning Circle Coach and Co-director of the Georgetown University Leadership Coaching Program, I had the opportunity to work with dozens of talented people on the path to becoming a leadership coach. While students in the coaching program brought impressive background experiences and credentials, I found myself helping them “unhook” from overthinking and “trust the process” as GU coaching faculty so often advise. To trust the process, though, a coach must embark on the lifework of knowing it.
Today, I listen to recordings of coaches who would like to join Nebo’s coaching community. I hear thoughtful, competent coaching – many powerful questions, deliberate attention to ensuring a clear objective for the session, and attentive listening, often accompanied by good playback of the client’s perspective. So, what else is needed?
Let’s review the fundamentals. These concepts are ever-present and provide the philosophical underpinnings for great coaching, but they are the coach’s mindset and belief system, not a “move” to master, but rather a stance about coaching that works with the polarity of bringing structure and dancing in the moment. Here are a few ideas that contribute mightily to the coach’s stance and effectiveness in the role:
- Assume connection. This concept means extending the invitation for a warm connection before your client does. It means assuming “we are going to like and respect each other and do great work together!” – before the work begins. (In a facilitation situation, it means assuming good will with the group before the facilitated event starts – and greeting people as one might greet an old friend). When I listen to recordings, I notice a tendency to proceed cautiously, with warmth and professionalism, but perhaps not as much open, confident gladness as one does when assuming connection. “Smile,” I tell many coaches. “Your client needs to know you like him!”
- Pay attention to meaning making. How does your client make sense of her situation? What background information or context does she provide? As she gives you this perspective, how does she place herself in this picture? What role does she have? What language does she use? What is her interpretation or assessment of what’s happening? What evidence supports this view? As coaches, we wade into the quagmire when we accept our client’s story as reality. Instead, we must learn about and respect their sensemaking, all while exploring how the client landed in this point-of-view. It’s not that they are wrong or off, but simply are human and therefore subjective. In the first few coaching sessions in particular, learning about how your client sees herself and her choices, environment, and context is vital to working deeply on transformative shifts. So often, our observations are held quietly; we don’t need to share everything we are thinking and observing until we’ve had time to ground our own assessments.
- Meet emotion with kindness. Whether your client is overjoyed or dejected, a good rule of thumb is to notice out loud. In other words, say what you see. You might say, “I can see that you are really concerned about this…What thoughts and feelings are you having?” Or perhaps: “YAY!!!! What an incredible achievement! Yahoo! How are you feeling about it?” Sometimes, the client’s emotional content registers with us but we overlook it and drive on. When you take a moment to feel with your client, the empathetic connection gets stronger and the conversation and trust deepen.
- Use summary and “play back” to ensure understanding and set the stage for action. In coaching programs, new coaches learn to summarize what they are hearing and ask, “did I get that right?” So often, our clients, upon hearing the playback, add a missing point or reframe it for themselves. By “listening aloud” but without attachment to what we are hearing, we give the gift of witnessing the client’s journey and sensemaking, while making sure that they stay empowered to “say what is” – not have us interpret and advice. Once the client has validated their own perspective, you are in a good spot to ask about next steps.
- Keep the client oriented in the coaching process. As coaches, it is our job to “hold” the coaching objective throughout the engagement, returning to it periodically to check in on progress. We must also speak from time to time about the journey: “Here’s where we started back in May. You originally thought….you realized…the 360 feedback gave focus to these areas…since then, you’ve been able to…Now….We have three sessions left, how would you like to….?” When we provide this periodic orientation, not only does the client feel “seen and held” but also accountable and motivated. The coaching process is actually taking the leader somewhere important!
The coach’s stance is a life work, asking us to make a daily commitment to the process itself. If you feel that your coaching needs refreshing, consider returning to the fundamentals and focusing on the perspective, philosophy and how a coach holds space and bears witness rather than adding new tools and skillsets. The mastery of this work is in our ability to create a safe, warm, honest space for someone else, a space where someone can express hopes, fears, angers, and joys and be received and challenged, but not judged.
Photo by Caleb Valencia on Unsplash
